A giant ball of stress...

I tend to get stressed about the littlest things. I tend to stay stressed about these same things long after they are finished - worrying that they are going to come up again or there will be some repurcussion...these past few weeks (and next 2 months) are a big, giant ball of stress and like I mentioned last time - I don't know if/how I will make it through.

I already knew I was mentally breaking down, but now it's taking it's toll on me physically. I went to bed last night with a headache, sore throat and runny nose. I woke up this morning exhausted, sore, with a bad headache and the throat and nose were still bad. As soon as I got my son in the car, the nausea hit and I started vomiting all over the parking lot of our apartment - only my belly was empty and the only thing coming up was the crap from my nose that had drained into my belly. Nasty!

I am feeling better now, a few hours later - but I still have nearly 5 hours of work left (a late night) before I can head home to bed. I think I might just have to take Friday off.

It sucks how a few stressful or overwhelming things can destroy all aspects of your life overnight!

Done.

On the verge of a mental breakdown. It's too much and I don't think I can handle it all anymore. Between my job and my family, life is stressful enough but throw the wedding (1 month 28 days to go), the maid-of-honor responsibilities and my crazy family into the mix and I just don't think I can hold it together.

It's enough to put me over the edge when I look at my calendar. There isn't more then 3-4 days in the next month that I don't have something going on - and in the time not filled with meetings and appointments I have to try and keep my house clean, play with my son, finish projects for the wedding/s, breath, take a shower and sleep. Add my health issues to the bowl and it's a recipe for disaster.

Not only am I breaking down, but I am hurting the people around me. I get crankly with my fiance and end up breaking down because of an email that reads: "Why are you being cranky??? I sure as hell didn't do anything to you. If you want or need me to do something for you why don't you just ask. I'm not a mind reader." Hey honey, you know what I need - a break. I need some good quality alone time. I need a nice night out with you, no stress. I need us to be a couple sometimes. I need a change of routine. I need a chance to escape all of this crap that's going on. I need help. I need you to not sigh and roll your eyes at me when I ask a question about the wedding. I need you to hold me. I need you to fill in the long pauses in our conversations with anything that might make me feel better and I need you to understand that it's not you that I'm upset with, but when you're the one who is there, it seems that way. I just need you to love me.

So, my brother is going to be staying with us for a few nights a week, my mom called to confirm that she kicked the older of my brothers out of her house, and wants to do the same with the youngest (and mentally challenged one). I get thrown in the middle of situations that don't involve me and I don't know how to say no. I love my brothers so much, and I hate to see the way they are being treated - they just don't understand that it's a two way street and their actions cause a lot of the consequences - fair or not.

I want to walk up to everyone and say "I Quit". I just can't deal with it anymore. Now I am going to climb in my bed and not come out 'til Christmas.

Oh, the government...

In just 2 short months, a married woman I will be. That being said, it's about time our invitations headed out of our home and into the hands of our friends and family. So, yesterday (advice from many brides before me) I headed out to get my babies hand-canceled and in the mail. I went to multiple post offices:

Post Office One: (Older man) "I am sick of brides who think that the entire system should revolve around their wants. I refuse to hand cancel another frilly invitation." (My thoughts: Oh man! I wouldn't want this guy touching my invitations to begin with - they'd never see the light of day again!)

Post Office Two: (Young man) "I'm sorry, we stopped hand canceling things after September 11 (what?). We don't even have a hand stamp available. Me: How do you cancel stamps on odd sized packages and envelopes? Him" "With this hand stamp." (My thoughts: Uh...contradiction anyone? He obviously wasn't interested in helping me out, as he had called the next person up before I could say anything. Sigh, off to the next branch)

Post Office Three: (A nice older woman. Note, this is a large central hub branch) "I'm sorry sweetie, we don't offer that service at this location. Although, we do offer it as a whole. Usually a small office in a quiet area will be able to assist you - or stop by a little store that offers postal services. Good luck." (My thoughts: Finally, hope! A chance! Note to self: If you can't find anyone to do it, you trust that this woman would get them in the mail safely.)

Final Post Office Four: (Another nice, older woman (see any patterns?) "[loudly] I like chocolate chip cookies! (What?) [softly] I am usually alone at the counter from 12-12:30. Bring them in then, and as long as there are less then 50 I will get them done for you. [loudly] Sorry sweetie (wink)." (My thoughts: Does she seriously want cookies? Is that bribery? Is that legal? Is she going to get fired? Store bought or homemade cookies? I don't have time to make cookies! Oh well, hand canceled tomorrow at noon it is!)

So, four seperate post offices - four seperate answers. Four very different people who all move at the pace of a snail. But, at the end of the day - I think I'll get what I want and none of them uttered the dreaded "B" word! (Bride-zilla).

I'm not [really] a germ-a-phobe...

I just hate public bathrooms. I hate them with a passion and will avoid using them by all means possible. Occasionally I have to suck it up, take a deep breath and do it BUT my behind never touches the seat and I scrub up an shower as soon as possible because I just feel nasty!

About 9 months ago I started a new job. There are about 20 people in my office, and another 50 or so on the floor and we all share one public restroom. Gross. I've gotten really good at holding in my 2+ cups of coffee and can of diet soda every day - running quickly to the bathroom when I got home. Sure, there were some days I couldn't make it that long, but I sure did my best!

This week was a landmark week for me. I managed to march down to the ladies room and use it, twice, (once with someone in the stall next to me (something else I hate, I don't want to listen to you pee....and I don't want you to listen to me! Oh, and don't even THINK about talking!!!)). Sure, I am only comfortable in the corner stall, and prefer it when there is noone else in there with me; but it's good to know that if I want to, I can go!

So raise your cup to me today - the girl who can finally pee at work!

Underweightians* Unite!

I'm little. Not in age (or height) but in size. I am 24 years old and I wear somewhere around a Juniors Size 2. I weight roughly 110 lbs and stand at 5'7" - and no matter what I do I can't seem to put on any more weight.

Just about everyone talks about how they need to (want to) lose a few pounds, how terrible they look, how they can't have that piece of chocolate "it'll go to the hips." As much trouble and difficulty people go through trying to lose weight, I think it's much more difficult to be underweight. (Although, I might be slightly biased)

Next time you're watching TV or listening to the radio, count how many commercials you hear for some weight loss program/pill/diet/healthy alternative at yoyu favorite fast food restauaunt. Now tell me the last time you heard about a "gain-weight quick" program. Sure, there are plenty of "diets" for athletes to help them get to the next weight class, but these are not good choices for the average, non-althletic, doesn't work out everyday for hours type of person. Like me.

I can't be alone in this world of underweight-ness. I can't be the only person out there who gets looks from at least one person everyday that reads "she must have an eating disorder." Beyond looking sickly most of the time, things that a normal-weight person can do are too much for me. My daily activities exhaust me. Simply getting up, going to work and making dinner are enough to put me in my bed by 8:30 p.m. A little overtired? You can tell by looking at my eyes, they sink deeper into my face if I lose even an hour or two of sleep. I bruise like a peach (and I'm not anemic).

Problems faced by the underweight can be as serious as problems dealt with by overweight or obese people- only society doesn't focus on this group of people, unless it's an eating disorder or a celebrity. As I continue my fight to get myself to a healthy weight for my age and height, I thought I should share a few "tricks" I have learned.

1) A bowl of cereal or a sandwich before bed everynight will help you build some fat.
2) Aerobic excersize will help build your stamina for making it through the day.
3) Junk food is not the answer. Sure, us underweightians can eat a Snickers bar and not feel guilty, but it's better to eat healthy foods that are high in nutrients, just more frequently.
4) Eat many, smaller meals. I tend to have breakfast twice - first a granola bar of some sort, and an hour or so later a yogurt with fresh fruit and granola. I have lunch a few hours later and a mid-afternoon snack. After work I eat dinner (my biggest meal of the day) and try to get at least one more snack in before bed. Never let yourself get hungry, when you feel hungry your body is already taking from what you have stockpiled.
5) Be lazy after you eat. Let that food settle in and get comfy. If you're up and running around right after eating, fewer of the calories stick around. This is especially important for us underweightians since our bodies tend to convert our caloric intake to energy to get us through the day instead of storing them.

Where are my fellow underweightians? Or, am I really alone?

*I made this term up. I like it.

The Fruits of my labor...

As annoying as my boss can be about projects, eventually, they all get done and sent off for printing. As a designer, there is nothing quite like the feeling of having all of your sweat and blood come back to you looking beautiful and perfect! That’s just the feeling I got today when my biggest project to date arrived from the printer. I have been working for nearly 6 months perfecting our 2008 Walker Manual. (I work for a non-profit organization and most of my projects are for one of our biggest events The Light The Night Walk). From using my mediocre Photoshop skills to design a cover to writing 14 pages worth of information to creatively adding pictures and lines and color to make it look great. This project went through about 4 transformations – and we finally ended up back at a version of the first idea I had. I am very proud of my work – and have already slide one of these little guys away into my “portfolio” folder to use someday when I am searching for a new job.

It almost erases all of the crap I was put through in completeing this project – almost – to see it in it’s final form. I can’t wait to get these babies out in the mail and in the hands of the thousands of people who will breifly glance and the cover and throw it away.

It's about damn time!

Back when I was a little girl, way too little to attend a concert on my own, my bedroom walls were plastered with posters of the New Kids On The Block, their cassettes were always blaring out of my boom box and I was convinced I would marry Joey Mcintire. By the time I was old enough to convince my parents to let me go to a concert with my friends, NKOTB had broken up and all I had left were the lyrics to Favorite Girl and my posters.

Fast forward a decade and a half or so. Listening to my favorite radio morning show, I hear the words I didn't know I wanted to hear" New Kids On The Block: Reunited. I picked up my phone, and as I am dialing my BFF's number - the phone rings and she's on the other line. Both of us are waaaay more excited then we should be, as we vow to go to the concert when they came to town. Sure, I have long moved on from my crush on Joey, but that wouldn't stop me from singing The Right Stuff along with the boys at the top of my not-so-pretty sounding vocal cords!

This past Monday, tickets went on sale. Within 2 hours, over half the tickets were gone, and all of the affordable seats were long sold out (Not nearly as quick as say, Hannah Montana, but pretty good for a band that's been MIA for over 10 years)! After work, my BFF called me up - and told me the good news: We got tickets!!!

Make fun of me if you want, laugh at me and call me a nerd - I don't care. I get the chance to fulfill a childhood dream - and one that I never thought I'd get the opportunity to acheive!

I Hate my Boss: Part 1

Like most working Americans, I have a boss. Like most working Americans, my boss is a pain in the ass. I am kind of a jack-of-all-trades, I assist in running fundraising campaigns for a non-profit organization. My job consists mostly of design work, writing articles, updating the Web site and building relationships with volunteers and donors. Unfortunately, this means that I don’t have a lot of say in how things work. On a typical Monday morning, I enter the boss’s lair with my notebook and a big cup o coffee. After hearing about her drunken weekend for about 10 minutes, and about her annoying Mother In Law for another 5 – we finally get down to the point of me sitting across from her in the first place: My weekly agenda. I start by explaining the responsibilities I have outside of her campaign (I work for multiple people at my office) and make a guess as to how much of my week will be taken up with these projects. From there, she forgets everything I just told her and starts assigning tasks. This process usually takes less time then she spent explaining how she vomited in her front yard, again. I frantically take notes – trying to understand what her vision is through her rapid-fire description. Already exhausted, I head back into my office and try to sort through my notes. I spend my week working through the mess to create something that will appease her “vision.”

When I have a rough layout done for whatever the project is, I send it to her. She hates it, she always does (I never use my favorite ideas right off the bat, or they will end up in the trash). She tells me again, exactly what she said before – expecting that I know what she means when she says “I’m thinking spicier and luxurious” (I’m not even kidding). After another attempt or two – I have finally put something together that she likes – or at least she thinks is passing. So the next thing I do is take the “OK’d” item along with the first few drafts to her boss, let’s call her V – we have to have everything to a certain standard, and that’s what this person checks. V looks at all of the drafts, and more often then not chooses one other then the final “approved” one and gives it her stamp of approval. I then take it back to my boss – who has decided she agrees with V – then takes all of the credit for the effort and creativity that went into the project.

Her inability to give anyone else credit for the work they do is one of many reasons I hate my boss.