Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I Hate Sex.

In 3 months, I will be married. Honestly, I can't wait to call him Husband - but I am afraid. I feel more safe and comfortable in our "friendship love" than our "sexual love" but I also know that sexual love is essential to a healthy marriage. I don't know that I truly hate sex, I can enjoy it - but only occasionally and only if I am in exactly the right mood both mentally and physically. Most of the time I could care less if I ever have sex again. I have been asked by those I have discussed this with "Are you attracted to your fiance?" The answer is YES! YES! YES! He is handsome, sexy and everything I ever dreamed of. When we do have sex, it's amazing! It's like my mind and body are totally disconnected. There are many times that my body shows signs of physical arousal, but my mind doesn't follow.

I know I am not alone, I can't be the only woman out there who can't wrap her mind around enjoying sex. So, I did some research and learned that this is a common problem. A lot of women get turned off by the thought of sex after giving birth due to hormone changes, exhaustion, fear of getting pregnant again and an internal desire to be "mom" and only be there for the child. It goes away, eventually. For some it's a few months, for others it can be years and years. Basically the problem lies in my head and I have to overcome this mental road block in order to enjoy sex again. I have explained this to my fiance, but I don't think he fully grasps it. Why would he? His fiance hates to have sex with him. If I were in his shoes, I'd be upset too. It has absolutly nothing to do with him, it's me. I don't want to be like this, but it's not a straight-forward fix.

I have no idea how long it's going to take to overcome my "problem" - I hope that the excitement of starting a new life as husband and wife will unlock some doors in my mind - but it just might take more.

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