Tuesday, June 24, 2008


On the verge of a mental breakdown. It's too much and I don't think I can handle it all anymore. Between my job and my family, life is stressful enough but throw the wedding (1 month 28 days to go), the maid-of-honor responsibilities and my crazy family into the mix and I just don't think I can hold it together.

It's enough to put me over the edge when I look at my calendar. There isn't more then 3-4 days in the next month that I don't have something going on - and in the time not filled with meetings and appointments I have to try and keep my house clean, play with my son, finish projects for the wedding/s, breath, take a shower and sleep. Add my health issues to the bowl and it's a recipe for disaster.

Not only am I breaking down, but I am hurting the people around me. I get crankly with my fiance and end up breaking down because of an email that reads: "Why are you being cranky??? I sure as hell didn't do anything to you. If you want or need me to do something for you why don't you just ask. I'm not a mind reader." Hey honey, you know what I need - a break. I need some good quality alone time. I need a nice night out with you, no stress. I need us to be a couple sometimes. I need a change of routine. I need a chance to escape all of this crap that's going on. I need help. I need you to not sigh and roll your eyes at me when I ask a question about the wedding. I need you to hold me. I need you to fill in the long pauses in our conversations with anything that might make me feel better and I need you to understand that it's not you that I'm upset with, but when you're the one who is there, it seems that way. I just need you to love me.

So, my brother is going to be staying with us for a few nights a week, my mom called to confirm that she kicked the older of my brothers out of her house, and wants to do the same with the youngest (and mentally challenged one). I get thrown in the middle of situations that don't involve me and I don't know how to say no. I love my brothers so much, and I hate to see the way they are being treated - they just don't understand that it's a two way street and their actions cause a lot of the consequences - fair or not.

I want to walk up to everyone and say "I Quit". I just can't deal with it anymore. Now I am going to climb in my bed and not come out 'til Christmas.

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